Honey, I messed up the Kids....

Hello World,



I have been questioning my childless state. I had some issues as a kid that forced me to be extremely self aware. I recognised that, as I had alot of emotional baggage, it would probably not be in the child's best interest for me to be a mother until I had sorted out my issues. Maybe it's because my baggage seems to be never ending and has alot to due with all the parental figures in my life but everyone seems to be ready to have kids before I am. I worry that maybe, at 32, I am waiting too long to have a child. Is it right to worry about the time more than the emotional issues of not being ready to be a parent?

I have seen how broken adults mess up their children. By failing to take a moment to self evaluate, diagnose and correct, they often let their stress and stressful situations control how they interract with their children. The resultant guilt and stress experienced by the child creates broken adults and the cycle continues.
I am a firm believer that parents are meant to nurture their children in a manner that allows them to reach the full potential of their being, guiding them to be responsible, productive members of society. Teaching them to recognise their own self worth and the worth of others. Making sure that they develop body, mind and soul. Lots of people only focus on the body. Making sure they have food and clothes and shelter. Mental health and food for the soul are equally as important to foster a sense of belonging to the community and world in a way that allows them to be individuals and to develop strength of character. That also means recognising that you as the parent and adult have areas that need to be worked on in order not to let your issues taint a developing and impressionable mind.

I can recognise that I have issues that need to be worked on and I do work on me every day. I am at the point where I can recognise the problem, feel the pain, acknowledge it and move on. Once in a year or two, I might have a bad day where I feel a bit blue but I try to focus on the good and great in my life. No mans journey is ever complete though and I am fully prepared to work on me till the day I die.

My worry is that at some point my fear of messing up my kids will overtake me and I will miss the opportunity to experience something wonderful with someone or several  wonderful someones because of my fear. I am quite good with kids and always have been. I am naturally a nurturer and care giver so my fears are more in the big picture department. I would hate for my kid to grow into adulthood and decide that they succeeded despite me, not because of me. There is a huge difference.

One of my worst fears is that I would impose my will on my child and force them into a direction that they are not happy with. All parents want what is best for their child. Sometimes that means that you will not agree with their choices and arguments can cause rifts between parent and child. I know that I am thinking in the long time and that you have to start with one step at a time but I am one of those people that has to think about everything before I do it. It's not like getting a dog or by something from the shop. You can't return a baby and thinking about it after is too late. I have to evaluate my thoughts on things like what if he/she is gay, or transgender or bi. What if they want a different religion or no religion? What if they hate reading?! Worse still, what if they are like me??? I am pretty accepting though so I guess I would worry more about how they are treated. I almost went postal on an older kid that was bullying my youngest brother when he was about 7. Good thing the older kid could run much fast than me :-). Overprotective parents are just as bad though....hmm.

Facing family pressure also plays a part. If you have not had kids in the first 2 or 3 years of your marriage, people start looking at you with pity. Saying that you are not ready for kids makes people tell you how wonderful it is and best thing that ever happened to them (those that have alot of help or who have empty nest syndrome) or how its the worst thing that they ever did financially or they wish they waited (usually unplanned, parents with no help). I am well aware of the sleepness nights, worry over a sick child, teething problems, terrible two's...and three's..please, not four's! There's also the moments when a tiny hand slips into yours or when a you see a sleeping angel and it makes everything worthwhile. Most recently, a grandmother told me that when you have your grandchild, it makes all the hardship and trials worth it to see your legacy reflected in the eyes of your grandchildren. 

There are a growing number of people that have opted to not have children. I always thought that I would be one of those people. Everyone who heard told me that I would regret that decision when I am old and alone. To my mind, I could always adopt. In any event, I would want to have only have one natural born child and adopt the rest. There are far too many unwanted children who need home and we are facing a global population crisis. Besides, if you don't want to be alone, open your door and step outside. The world is bursting with people that are ready to make your acquaintance and many families are not blood relatives.

In the meantime, I teeter between being broody and contemplative. My two dogs have greatly benefited from my inner turmoil and get ready for a cuddle whenever they see me.I don't have a conclusion. I guess time will tell. For now, I will just percolate.